Are You a Farm Girl or Guy?
By Candi Johns
You may be at the beginning of your country journey or years into the voyage … either way, there are some definite landmarks that will begin to define your new (and improved) life.
How to tell if you have made the plunge to the country and can call yourself a “Farm Girl” or “Farm Guy.”
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A FARM GIRL IF….
1. Most of Your Shoes Are Boots
If you have rain boots, work boots, cow boots, snow boots, cute boots, church boots and comfy boots — you have arrived. Go on and accept it. You are no longer a city-dwelling yuppie. If most of the shoes you wear are boots — you’re there. You may OWN 15 pairs of heels. BUT when is the last time you actually WORE a pair? Uh … Um … 8 years ago.
Yup — you’re a Farm Girl.
2. You Smell Like a Cow
Yes, we were standing in the post office. It had been a long, productive morning of scooping manure and milking and all things farm. My youngest daughter snuggled up next to me and gave me a squeeze. As soon as she got close she said very sweetly, “Mommy, you smell like a cow.” Awesome. I smell like a cow.
You may be wearing a different fragrance — goat, sheep or pig perhaps … but if you’re wearing eau de toilette that comes from an animal — you’re a Farm Girl.
3. You Regularly Sport Twigs, Straw, Hay and Other Non-Fashion-Oriented Matter in Your Hair
When you feed most animals you lift hay. You carry hay. You throw hay. You fluff the hay. All this hay activity can create quite the snow-storm … of hay.
If your animals love you as much as mine love me there’s a chance you got slurped by a cow during chores. Cow slurps are messy. Cow slurps have bits of grass, hay and farm debris in them. Cow slurps contain approximately 2 quart of saliva. Cow slurps have the unique ability to soak a pair of jeans in one lick.
If you bump into me at some point after I was with the cows and before I get a shower there’s a good chance you may be picking clover out of my hair. It’s OK. It’s not dandruff. It’s just hay or dry cow slurp.
Farm Girl = funky hair.
4. Your Car Is In a Constant State of Trashed
DH calls my car “a rolling toxic waste dump.”
My dad says he needs a tetanus shot after getting in my car.
It is not unusual for my minivan to be used to transport feed, hay, animals, plants, farm gear and children. None of these items are known for their neatness or cleanliness. Because the animals need feed regularly, my car gets demolished regularly. Until someone buys me a pick-up truck (DH — are you listening?) my van is going to stay a disaster.
If you are a Farm Girl — your car is trashed.
5. You Are Still Using an Old-Fashioned Washing Machine (or you are selling your HE model so you can go back to the old one)
You can’t wash farm clothes without water.
I have tried to use 3 different brands of HE Washers and they all have the same result. They are good at conserving water — bad at cleaning pig manure.
If you are a Farm Girl, you are either (1) using a conventional washing machine or (2) wishing you had your old washing machine back.
6. You Are a Master Gardener by Trade, Not Certification
You know you are a Farm Girl (or Guy) if you have never been to a class, club or formal training, but can identify every pest in your garden and know what to do about them. Likewise, you can recognize blight, blossom end rot, powdery mildew and leaf wilt when you see it. Grumble. Groan.
If you know the pest or disease on sight — you’re probably a Farm Girl.
7. Malls and Spas … Blah
Want to go shopping? Get a pedicure? Facial? Find someone else. I have tomatoes to plant.
Malls, spas and hotels are not for Farm Girls. We’d rather be fishing, milking or in the garden.
8. Your Fingernails Look Like Your 8-Year-Old Son’s
Manicures are pointless. Any form of nail is pretty much not going to happen if you are a Farm Girl.
The line of women at the nail salon next to our pawn shop makes me smile. All those ladies getting their nails painted, filled, sealed and acrylic-ed. It’s safe to say that if you are still getting your nails done you are not a Farm Girl. Those days are long gone. Milking cows, weeding, gardening, butter making, fence-stretching, wood-clearing and pig raising do not allow for fingernails of any sort.
If your nails look like your 8-year-old son’s — you’re a Farm Girl.
9. Speaking of Manicures
If you’re a Farm Girl (or Guy) there’s a good chance your cuticles are a weird color. Depending on what I’ve been into, mine range from a deep brown to a shade of green Yes, I wash my hands all the time. My cuticles are stained from the garden, the tomatoes, the potatoes, the pigs, etc.
Special “orange” cleaner doesn’t work. Fresh lemon juice doesn’t work. Bleach solution doesn’t work. I have found that some techniques can get my cuticles clean for a short bit, but the lovely, brownish-green hue always returns.
I often ask my daughters to hold things I am photographing for the blog because my hands always look terrible. I don’t want the world to think I don’t know what soap is … I’m not dirty — they’re stained.
The owner of the nail salon (the one next to our pawn shop) was in our store one day and noticed my poor farm hands. He said he could fix them. I asked how because I had tried everything and they were still green. He nodded and said, and I quote, “I’ll just trim it all off.” Uh — no thanks.
If your cuticles are the wrong color — you’re a Farm Girl.
10 It Doesn’t Stop with the Nails
Us farm girls have no fingernails and cuticle problems — not to mention, my hands, arms and knuckles are always a wreck! Any one else? Good grief.
I look like I have leprosy or hives or cat-scratch fever. I look like I got into a fight with Edward Scissor Hands … and lost. From my fingers to my forearms I’m a constant disaster. My arms and hands stay covered in an endless state of nicks, cuts, scratches, bumps, bug bites, allergic reactions and rashes.
If you are a Farm Girl your days as a hand model are over.
11. Your Wardrobe Came From a Seed or Feed Store
If you bought your coats, jeans or shirts the same place you bought your stock tank you’re definitely a Farm Girl.
12. The Bathtub Is No Longer a Place for Bathing
Tubs are not for baths on the farm. Tubs are multipurpose production facilities. Soap making, critter containing and de-skunking — these are the things your master-bath-garden-tub was made for.
13. You Know the Difference Between Straw and Hay
Hay is not straw and straw is not hay. Duh.
14. You Don’t Know What It’s Like to Sleep In on the Weekends
If you’re a Farm Girl — you’re awake, even on Saturday morning.
15. Snow Days Don’t Exist
While all the other folks are snowed in their houses burning fires and drinking hot chocolate … you are still homeschooling your children, milking cows and doing chores.
18 inches of snow? It doesn’t matter … the show must go on!
If you’re a Farm Girl — you don’t get weekends or snow days.
16. Your “Next Door Neighbor” Lives a Mile Away
This isn’t the case for me — but I know it is true for many Farm Girls everywhere!
Yup. I’ve arrived. Farm girl for sure. And I don’t want it to ever change. I love the country life!
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