How to Love a Rabbit

Reader Contribution by Cait Carpenter
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The first step in loving a rabbit (or playing with your food) is selecting a victim. Generally the ideal victim is one that is very calm and cuddly. This victim resides at my college’s farm. Her name is Cher, and she enjoys alone time and solitude. The obvious way to make her comfortable is to cross all her boundaries and carry her around the pen like a baby. Trust me, it’s fine. She loves it.

If you cannot locate a victim that will tolerate semi-extreme cuddling, find one that has no choice in the matter and cannot get away.

After capturing your victim, violate its personal space by checking its gender. After confirming if you are holding Sonny or Cher, proceed to inhale the rabbit. This is necessary for proper bonding.

Mmm, smells like a port-a-potty.

Just kidding! Cher smells wonderful, like … a rabbit ….

Now that you and your dinner, er, bunny, have established clear connections bound by love and affection, faceplant into your rabbit. This technique has been scientifically proven to have no positive effect on the rabbit at all. It will, however, initiate strange, adorable sounds from surrounding female humans, including the one photographed here.

There! Full level of cuddling has now been attained. Your dinner is officially scarred for life.

Stay tuned for my next blog post … how to assault a pig!

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