Dear New (non-farmer) Boyfriend

Dear M,

Thank you for having chosen me to be your girlfriend. I look forward to us spending lots of time together in the barn, the woods, and the garden. However, I feel there are a few things I should mention before this goes any further:

  • I have had my arm up a cow’s behind. I hope that this does not bother you. It was only so that I could impregnate her.
  • There is an undisclosed amount of chickens in my barn. I am not a hoarder, unless you are talking to my mother.
  • There once was a bunny in my garden. Then I ate him.
  • I share my bed with my dog. If you are around long enough, she might let you in it, but that’s doubtful. You may be better off on the rug on the floor. She loved me first. I’m not sorry.
  • Castration happens. If you are smart, it will not happen to you.
  • You’re going to be a male on the farm, which means if you don’t want to be evicted, you’re really going to have to prove your worth. Ask every rooster that’s ever lived here.
  • My perfume could be described as “La Goata Poopalotta,” and I love it.
  • I am an early-to-bed, early-to-rise sort of girl. Early to bed is 9:00pm, early to rise is 5:00am. 
  • You would be cuter with a beard, holding a muzzleloader. Scratch that, with a beard and holding a shovel. Yeah.

I’ll let you figure the rest out on your own. You will be greatly rewarded with pie if these rules are honored. If they aren’t, well, I can castrate a pig in fifteen seconds.


Cattle Cait

Published on Dec 27, 2013

Grit Magazine

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