Learn to understand rural American farmers, the masters of the understatement, in this quick little run-down of how to talk like a farmer.
Maybe it’s because they spend too many hours alone in the tractor cab. Or maybe they’re naturally pessimistic after being repeatedly clobbered by floods, drought, hailstorms, insects and crop diseases. But you’ll have to look some to find a farmer who uses adjectives like “good,” “terrific” or “excellent” to describe any aspect of his or her world.
Masters of the understatement, farmers tend to answer questions with the fewest possible adjectives and an economy of words. Here are a few tips I’ve managed to pick up during the years I’ve spent around folks who devote their lives to the land.
- “Just a few acres.” On the off chance that you’re a tax assessor, most farmers would rather chew a leg off than tell you how many acres of land they farm, or how many head of cattle they raise. Even asking them is a breach of rural etiquette … kind of like asking your neighbor how much money he has in the bank. If a farmer says he grows “a few acres” of corn or soybeans, he may mean anywhere from a few hundred to several thousand. A rancher who says he raises “a few head” of cattle could well be running hundreds of cows and calves on a spread the size of an island nation in the Caribbean.
- “Could’a been better” is how a farmer will describe the best crop she’s harvested in 30 years. A farmer who just produced his first 200-bushel corn crop, or who delivered his first 3-bale cotton crop to the gin, will tell you his harvest “could have been better, if we’d just had one more rain.” Then he’ll try to divert your attention by adding, “I heard the neighbor down the road did even better.”
But, farmers are also known to occasionally resort to hyperbole and to sprinkle rural colloquialisms into their conversations. Here are a few phrases that may sound like exaggeration to an outsider, but make perfect sense to another farmer.
- “Thick as ticks on a dog’s back” is frequently used to describe the number of weeds in a neighbor’s field, or the number of deer seen feeding in a farmer’s best alfalfa field (or, in the case of a Maine farmer, the number of moose in his broccoli crop)
- “Heavy traffic today” means at least two unidentified vehicles have driven past in the last hour, not counting the propane delivery truck and the rural mail carrier.
- “Sky high” is how much anything in town costs, including tractor parts, groceries, seed and feed supplies, and new athletic shoes for the children. Farmers uniformly believe that anyone who works in town makes more money than they do.
- “Pretty as a shiny red pickup with a good spare tire.” This is how a farmer in West Texas might describe a new calf, a glowing sunset, a lush crop field with perfectly straight rows, or a spanking new farm shop with a concrete floor.
With this handy-dandy translation guide, in any situation and no matter the understatement, you’ll be able to understand the farmer with whom you’re speaking. You might even find yourself picking up the lingo, and in no time at all, you’ll be talking just like a farmer.
If we missed your favorite farmer’s phrase, please email it to Editor@Grit .com.
Jerry Schleicher is a country writer and cowboy poet who lives in Parkville, Missouri.
