Dear New (non-farmer) Boyfriend


Dear M,

Thank you for having chosen me to be your girlfriend. I look forward to us spending lots of time together in the barn, the woods, and the garden. However, I feel there are a few things I should mention before this goes any further:

  • I have had my arm up a cow's behind. I hope that this does not bother you. It was only so that I could impregnate her.
  • There is an undisclosed amount of chickens in my barn. I am not a hoarder, unless you are talking to my mother.
  • There once was a bunny in my garden. Then I ate him.
  • I share my bed with my dog. If you are around long enough, she might let you in it, but that's doubtful. You may be better off on the rug on the floor. She loved me first. I'm not sorry.
  • Castration happens. If you are smart, it will not happen to you.
  • You're going to be a male on the farm, which means if you don't want to be evicted, you're really going to have to prove your worth. Ask every rooster that's ever lived here.
  • My perfume could be described as "La Goata Poopalotta," and I love it.
  • I am an early-to-bed, early-to-rise sort of girl. Early to bed is 9:00pm, early to rise is 5:00am. 
  • You would be cuter with a beard, holding a muzzleloader. Scratch that, with a beard and holding a shovel. Yeah.

JessonbedI'll let you figure the rest out on your own. You will be greatly rewarded with pie if these rules are honored. If they aren't, well, I can castrate a pig in fifteen seconds.


Cattle Cait

1/1/2014 9:40:30 AM

Cattle Cait, this is awesome. Brought a smile to this fellow farm girl's face.

12/28/2013 5:26:17 PM

Cattle Cait, your post is absolutely hilarious. I grew up on the farm and it's even funnier knowing that all you wrote could be true. I dated a Missouri back woods farm girl and her two brothers decided they were going to scare off the big city boy like they had with all the others. Little did they know that I was a farm boy at heart and nothing that they threw at me would scare me off. They finally gave the blessing for me to marry her and one even took a shine to my sister and married her. So for a few years, I was my own brother in law. That was a scary thought. I sure did have fun allot of fun with her two brothers. I'm sure most of the things we did were not legal but no one really cared. ***** Have a great dating a farm girl day.

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