Bumpkin Goes Beachin' - Warning: Raw Humor


Jamie Cearley, PhDMy sister recently took me to see the ocean for the first time. The transition from Bumpkin’ to Beach Bum was a little rough. Beach life was sure to be different.

I chose to take a bottoms up approach. My feet were going to have to come out of my boots and face the world. Armed with the only bottle of nail polish I own, I revealed the plan to my sister. I would paint the little unkempt appendages and then apply some faux tanning lotion to my feet and legs. I was hoping for a miracle. She gasped when I told her the polish was white.


“What’s wrong with white?” I asked. “It is neutral and goes with everything.”

“White is only used to create fake French tips. You do not paint the whole nail white. Why would you paint your toenails white?” was her response.

Who knew? I certainly didn’t. Since when do farmers keep up with French toenail etiquette? After all, I had originally bought the white polish to see a former President of the United States! I was not escorted out by the Secret Service so I’m assuming he didn’t notice my boorish decorum. She offered to paint my nails for me on arrival. I bought some flip flops for $6 and considered the feet ready to go.

10/8/2014 3:34:50 PM

Jamie, so funny! Having grown up near the Pacific Ocean, I can't imagine never having been to the beach before. Having moved from city to small subsistence farm, though, I had the reverse nail polish experience. My polish would last 3 hours, tops. Finally I just got into the habit of keeping my nails short and unpolished, except for occasional trips back to visit my family in the city. Love the story.

9/16/2014 9:19:37 AM

Jamie, my wife was from New Jersey so naturally we made visits to see family and friends there. On one of the vacations we were taken to the beach. It was wonderful day according to all that went and we romped in the 80 degree surf temperature. Not many were in the water and we had a great time throwing the Jelly Fish around. Later I learned that people die from Jelly fish stings. Who knew a Jelly Fish could sting. I guess we must have had a little Devine protection as none of us got stung. After we had our fun in the sun, I dried off put my shirt and pants back on with socks and shoes, laid down on a beach towel and covered my head so I wouldn't get sun burned. My wife told me later that I got the strangest looks from others on the beach as they walked by. Her quiet remark to them when seeing their expression was, "He's from Nebraska." It brought a nod of understand understanding as they continued their walk on the beach. I guess I'm just a flat land Midwestern boy through and through. ***** Have a great beach memory day.

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