Gophers Defeat Russian Invasion!

| 1/12/2013 12:15:56 PM

It was thirty years of fierce battle on American soil; but in 1841 the Russians finally left for good.

There wasn’t a drop of American blood spilled. And no, we didn’t sneak in under cover of darkness to poison their Vodka stash, either.

Nope: the California Russian Invasion was defeated by two mighty forces which could neither be blown to bits nor compromised. Yeah, I’m talking gophers … and California’s notorious North Coast Fog.


Frankly, I know JUST how the Russians feel. There’s a black hole of gophers here in Bloomfield and an infinite replicator at the other end of said hole. Kill one and the only apparent difference is that a twin pops out of the ground one hole (i.e. 1 inch) away to thumb its nose atcha (likely trying to ‘kill with cute’.) Kill a hundred and a hundred memorial gopher mounds spring up in your favorite garden patch the next day: both a service for the bereaved and the answer to apparent genocide in a massive retaliatory effort.

Now, the Russians came to Northern California with high hopes. Their motives were pure: they merely wished to plant crops to feed their starving Alaskan colonies – and a neato place to offload some 41 cannons from das boat didn’t hurt either (…and who packs a boatload of cannons for an extended vacation?? Inquiring minds wanna know…) – which is why the coastal refuge of Fort Ross was SOOO appealing. They didn’t even enslave their newfound Native American neighbors: they married ‘em (there must’ve been some heavy vodka partying on all sides after THAT idea!)

1/15/2013 12:55:15 AM

Diane, gophers, huh. They kind of look like they could be related to Nebraska Phil, my resident groundhog. My question is are they good to eat? If they eat your garden, it's only fair that they should be eaten, don't you think? Maybe you could capture them and sell them on EBay for pets. :0) Our plaque here in Nebraska is Praire Dogs. They mound up dirts piles and eat everything as well. The farmers hate them. They can eat up all there livestock feed. Moles are another destructive critter that resides in the flower beds of gardeners. One mole can destroy a sizable bed of productive flowers in just one night. I finally had to resort to chemicals to kill the grubs in my lawn. No food. No mole. He just made his way under the fence and created havoc in the neighbor's yard. I told her how to be rid of the destructive little bugger and he moved on to the next yard and so on and so forth until he was out of the neighborhood. I suspect he or his relatives are heading your way. Have a great battling gopher day

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