Doors Shut; Doors Open

| 5/16/2011 6:40:08 AM

Tags: faith, Mountain Woman,

A photo of Mountain WomanSeveral years ago,  I elected to share my life with my readers even if that meant delving into the painful parts.  My reasononing was that if I bared the darkest hours of my life as well joyous ones, I could perhaps help those who are struggling with grief, depression or through difficult days.  Because of the comments I received on my other posts, I have decided to share two more deeply personal experiences with you.  This particular essay is about the day my husband was killed.  

Doors Close; Doors Open

Sunday morning; it’s gray outside but it’s always gray in January. As I awaken, I notice the room is warm. Allan must be up. He’s turned on the heat. He knows I can’t stand to be cold. I can smell coffee brewing. My favorite flavor, Vanilla Nut. It’s not his favorite but he’s made it for me, to please me. He is always so good to me, my husband of almost thirty years. I go to the kitchen and he hands me my favorite mug. We sit down at the table with the Sunday paper and begin a ritual we have shared for many years. It’s an unspoken dance we both enjoy.

I look up from the headlines and see the snow begin to swirl. We have lived in South Carolina for many years and I haven’t seen snow in such a long time. It’s beautiful.  

“I’m taking the dogs out.”

Allan, his eyes barely leaving the paper, mumbles his assent. More like a grunt really. His attention is focused on the Sports section.

The world is turning white. I admire the snow angels made by my tumbling dogs.  

mountain woman
5/21/2011 6:21:01 AM

Dave, thank you.

dave larson
5/19/2011 1:35:29 PM

Mountain Woman, Thank you so much for sharing those moments of unbelievable loss. Reading your work, on this and other blogs, I can only admire the honesty and integrity with which you write as well as your willingness to reopen a painful door and share in order to help others. May you know joy in your life now.

mountain woman
5/18/2011 7:34:38 AM

Colleen, thank you. Dave, yes, we all handle grief differently and process experiences differently, Yes, I still struggle some days but for me personally my struggles have led me to appreciate the joy all the more. I decided to start sharing deeply personal experiences in order to help people who are struggling with similar issues. We are not alone and we are all bounded by our humanity. Sometimes just knowing one other person has been through a tragedy or struggled with depression etc. can help you see you are not alone and others care about you. The decision to open up my life experiences was not undertaken lightly but I've reaped many rewards from it as well. Thank you always for your support of my blog.

almost country_1
5/17/2011 10:00:00 PM

I am sobbing. I know what it is like to love so deeply, and I know that one day one of us will have our heart ripped out in loss. You give me faith that it is possible to move forward. Thanks for sharing, Mountain Woman. Love you.

nebraska dave
5/17/2011 8:07:00 PM

Mountain Woman, loss of a loved one whether unexpected or even slowly as was my case with my wife, brings grief in so many different ways. Your journey has been quite different than mine. We all deal with grief in different ways. You have chosen to work through the grief and move into a new life. From what I can gather from following your blog it's a totally different life than the last one. I've come to see through experience that life brings with it many different seasons. Some are good and some are bad but usually they can be what we make them. I can see from your writings that there are still some sad memories and the same goes for me but they can be smoothed over with new memories filled with joy and laughter. I truly believe that laughter is good medicine for the heart. I think it's a wonderful gift that you have to share your life's journey to help others on that same journey. I for one am glad that I met you through the GRIT blogs and hope to have many more conversations in the future. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share your deepest thoughts with the rest of us. Have a great blessed day.

pam blasko
5/17/2011 7:43:14 PM

Such pure love. MW you are an inspiration. Your faith pulled you up from a very low place on that one evening. Your faith will continue to keep you strong. All you have to do is keep the faith and always remember the Devine lives within and is always with you. Blessings, Pam from Drem Zcome True Farm CT.

mountain woman
5/17/2011 4:07:27 PM

Parker, Thank you very much for your kind words.

5/17/2011 2:29:04 PM

I have nothing deep or poetic to say in response to your loss. I can only say that your love for your son, your love for your husband, and the love of your family and friends towards you is a beautiful thing. My heart goes out to you and your son.

mountain woman
5/17/2011 10:49:03 AM

Cindy and Shannon, Thank you so much.

s.m.r. saia
5/17/2011 7:09:50 AM

Oh MountainWoman, there just aren't any words. Thanks for sharing such a deeply personal story. It's particularly resonant to me right now as I recently attened the funeral of a husband and father who was killed suddenly. Thanks not only for sharing the pain, but also for all the other previous posts in which you've shared that in spite of your loss you've been able to find happiness in life again. Take care.

cindy murphy
5/17/2011 6:03:53 AM

Mountain Woman, it's often so difficult to tell others of our pain; to open up personal wounds leaves us feeling exposed. It can also be a catharsis. Thank you for sharing the darkest time of your life, and the strength you found to pull you through. Hugs.

mountain woman
5/17/2011 5:39:29 AM

Thank you DragonLaurel.

5/17/2011 4:40:20 AM

Thank you for writing that. You were really lucky to have had such a strong relationship with him. I need to tell a few people that I love them now.

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