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I Am Uffie, And I Approve This Message

Rosalind head shotI believe that I ought to warn everyone who is reading this that this was transcribed by me, and dictated by a chicken. This chicken has been a prominent character in a number of my other stories, and goes by the name, Uffie. According to her, she has always wanted to write a blog post and because I was in a generous mood, I agreed. This is a verbatim translation of what Uffie wished to write herself, but since she is equipped with claws and I had no wish for my keyboard to get scratched up, I ended up typing it for her. My notes are written in brackets.

Hello, captive reader audience. [A very good start, I told myself, no harm in this.] There is a serious issue at hand. Being a chicken hen, I have witnessed this problem first hand. [Good job, Uffie, building some tension.] There is a need, a dire need, for more worms. We get cicadas and caterpillars, but this 'lack of rain' as my loyal subjects [*sigh*] have described it has made many earthworms shrivel up and die. [Is she really going to talk about worms?] I am a large supporter of the worm population, which is the current minority. [Looks like she is.] Worms are essential to the health and well-being of the garden and soil, besides being a tasty treat; although, of course, I would not eat one if it was willing to vote for me in the coming election. [The election for Farm Mascot is not for a while.] My campaign promises to always support worms in their efforts to cultivate the garden, as well as any other endeavors. [Is she giving a speech?] 

Now, I don't mean to be rude to the cicadas and caterpillars, but they are a number of them that are extremely annoying. The cicadas make buckets of noise, literally. [Noise isn't measured in mass, Uffie.] For some unknown reason the caterpillars cannot seem to participate in simple courtesy. They eat all the low hanging tomatoes when they can easily climb to munch on the taller ones. [So it wasn't the chickens eating those?] All of this behavior has led me to the conclusion that I do not want these sort of bugs voting for me, so they are not even allowed to vote. [I didn't know she had that much power.] However, I must make up for the lack of voter attendance so I am going to be letting the trees vote. The trees are very populous, and they think I am cool because I, unlike other chickens, do not perch on their branches. [Uffie, trees don't have opinions about chickens and you cannot fly to get into their branches.] 

Branching out, onto other topics, [A pun, really?] I think I should mention my growing popularity. Very recently, I received a wonderful piece of fan-mail. It was a beautiful, well written letter, which clearly shows that chickens are highly intelligent creatures. [A proven fact, I'm sure.] In fact, chickens are so intelligent that no one should ever think about voting for any other animal for a position of power. Only us chickens know how to establish a working pecking order, where one person has supreme executive power. [That would be Uffie.] We only ever think of using this power for good, such as good food, good perches, good grass, good bugs, etc. Ducks and goats often like to manipulate the little power already given them and do stupid things like escaping and dirtying their drinking water. [I agree whole-heartedly with Uffie here.] 

I wish to claim that if they had it their way, that there would be no, absolutely no clean water in the entire vicinity. [She's pulling out the big words now.] Us chickens would be treated unequally, because we are apparently stupid. They always say that, you know what I mean, 'chickens are the only animals more stupid than sheep'. It is sad isn't it? Sheep have feelings. Chickens have feelings too, but we do not cry every time someone says something mean about us. Sheep are not stupid. They are highly sensitive creatures who love people. [Awww... She is sticking up for a type of animal she has never seen. What a good strategy.]

I am an open, honest chicken. I am going to prove to you that I have nothing to hide. Just an average chicken with good ideas. [Average? My dear, you can give speeches!] Here is the type of hen I am. I like to sleep on the lowest roosting pole all by myself. I am the first to be out of the coops in the morning. My favorite drink is goat's milk that one of them has stepped in. [I thought she liked stale bread?] I am a kind mother. [When you remember that you have chicks.] I am not a vegetarian. [Bold and controversial. So bold.] I can talk well for a chicken. [You sure can.] My popularity is based on the fact that I am always right, because I am a hen. It is inconceivable that I should be wrong. [I do not think that word means what you think it means.] I have a diverse group of friends, and was even on friendly terms with the pigs, rest their bacon. [The bacon has been smoked, just not the hams.

Since I believe in a tyrant-dictatorship-democratic-republic, this is the most crucial part of my address, so please pay attention. [I am writing this very carefully, so as to not be in error.] As WKH populous, you are all required to act in a certain way. Never leave the coop without a strict sense of decorum and structure, being careful to avoid treading on the little ones. [Sure, that happens all the time.] If you are a rooster, it is mandatory that you hold the door open for the hens. [We prop the doors open so they don't close in the wind.] Always be as kind as you can to everybody, they might be having a bad day. [This doesn't apply to people, I guess.] Remember to do your duty to help in community service, because I just can't do everything myself. [When does Uffie do anything helpful?]

Thank you for giving me this opportunity. It means very much to me. [Will I live to regret this?] I hope that this answers all your questions on why we need more worms. [You lost me there, Uffie.]
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anonymous
8/11/2012 9:45:24 PM

uffie.fr


babu nagappan
8/11/2012 1:39:30 PM

Nice speech uffie


nebraska dave
8/11/2012 12:35:21 PM

Rosalind, there's always a good story a foot on the homestead, isn't there. I do enjoy the stories that you post here about the life of the barnyard animals. Who would of thought it could be so interesting. Back when I was a teenager, I just didn't quite think of chickens the way you do. Have a great day with the animals.