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Smackdown Farm Boy vs Disney Prince

Jamie Cearley, PhDSmackdown_FarmBoyvsDisneyPrince

Girls waiting on their prince to arrive, sweep them off their feet to the castle, and live happily ever after: you might want to read this while getting your nails done. Let’s take a closer look at these would-be prizes and how a Farm Boy just might be a better catch.

Charming: Cinderella

First, Prince Harry, better known as Prince Charming, the love interest of Cinderella. We start off thinking this guy is quite suitable marriage material. After all he first meets Cinderella riding her massive Andalusian horse bareback and bridleless in a dress through the woods. Saying nothing of the matter, he is more concerned she is alone. Huge points here. He also confirms everything she says is right in their brief conversation, more points. Besides, this guy rides a black Friesian. Sounds like a done deal right? Oh, but then he takes a major turn for the worse as he develops a type of foot fetish and becomes obsessed with glass slippers.

Farm Boy has all the good qualities of Charming but will bring you boots instead of glass slippers. Life is better in boots and Farm Boy knows it. Glass slippers are impractical for mucking stalls, riding horses, or just about anything else worth doing. I’m giving two points to Farm Boy. One on the probability he likes horses and another knowing he is a boot lover.

Charming=3 Farm Boy=2

Florian: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Next, there is the original Prince. To those who have succumbed to the marketing tactics of Disney’s Princess franchise you might know his name is Prince Florian. For those of us who have lives, he is just The Prince from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. This guy is so flaky he falls hopelessly in love with a girl because he hears her singing. He then proceeds with the ostentatious pick up tactic of joining her in song. He must have been like one of those less-than-talented guys on America’s Got No Talent, because rather than impress her, he sends her into a panicked flight to her castle. What does he do? Well, he keeps singing of course. The guy cannot take a hint: Florian zero.

We must give credit to the Prince for persistence, although misguided, and even a little frightening. Farm boy is also persistent but in a far more useful way. He isn’t nigh just for a sing along. Farm boy knows how to stick with it when it matters most. He is beside you for the long haul of life. He may not be able to sing but if he can’t, chances are he won’t try.  Farm boy gets one point for persistence and another for knowing when to quit.

Florian=0 Farm Boy=2     

Aladdin: Aladdin

“This isn’t fair, you keep choosing princes who were goody two shoes to be competitors with real life men. How about Aladdin?” you say. It turns out you are correct in Aladdin being far from noble. He was a thief. One of only two to become princes by marriage, not born into royalty. His problem isn’t so much with his character, although marrying a thief is a definite problem, mind you. His problem is clothing. That’s right, clothing is where Farm Boy whoops this guy. True, we can’t seem to get Aladdin to stop going shirtless, except for donning that teensy purple vest now and then. How many sizes too small is that vest anyway? But there are those poufy pants. Those pants are a problem. A PTO drive shaft is just waiting to suck those bad boys right in making mincemeat of your precious Prince. No points for this guy.

A Farm Boy who’s been stacking hay all summer looks pretty nice with or without a shirt. Add a pair of jeans that fit just right, some cowboy boots to complete the outfit, and he looks pretty hot. To boot, these clothes will keep your Boy safe, and in one piece. Two points here; one for good dress and one for staying healthy.

Aladdin=0 Farm Boy=2  

The Beast: Beauty and the Beast

“The Beast, he’s the one to whoop up on some Farm Boy,” you say. Let’s see, he does somehow seem closer to reality. He’s hairy, has protruding eye brows in dire need of trimming, and hates to bathe. He is also kind and thoughtful when he isn’t having a temper tantrum. But, let’s not forget the curse put upon him in the beginning was because he was arrogant, self-centered, and spoiled. Not exactly marriage material. But wait, if you kiss him he turns into a bald-chested, long-haired, baby-faced wuss, who once again can sing and dance but doesn’t have a job. He remains spoiled as all Princes, and his eyebrows are still out of control. What does a Prince do besides sing and dance? On all accounts, he eats food other people worked to grow, raise, and prepare. He wears clothes he didn’t pay for. In short, Princes are freeloaders. The Beast still gets a point for chest hair. At least in Beast form.

Farm boy is no wuss. At best he line dances, or maybe he is original and does some serious whip dancing, but he nails some hard work. He is no parasite on society.

Beast=1 Farm Boy=2

Eugene: Tangled

Alas, there is Eugene Fitzherbert. From the name it sounds like this guy could be for real. But wait, he thinks Eugene Fitzherbert is an embarrassing name so he goes by Flynn Rider. Sounds sexy, but he is just another thief with charm and good looks to beat. The darling of Rapunzel, this one has facial hair; the first of the Disney Princes to sport such. We are going to give him a point for facial hair. That’s not all, he has a horse! Make that two points. Not just any horse, but Maximus. Max is hands down the best character Disney has ever conjured up. He has more personality than Flynn, and way more brains. While never saying a word, but far from silent, he generates more laughs than you can imagine outsmarting his human. I am certain Maximus had his spots covered for camera and is an Appaloosa.

Farm Boy is proud of his heritage and is happy to wear his family name. Often family farms have passed through many generations. The family name has come to stand as an icon of sorts. That deserves a point. Even if your name is Eugene Fitzherbert.

Eugene=2 Farm Boy=1

Final score: Princes=6 Farm Boys=9

Farm Boys win. Don’t be disappointed. Being a Princess is overrated anyway. Plus, if you are lucky enough to find a good Farm Boy, he just might wake you up with a kiss each morning after all. Life may not be a fairy tale, but it wasn’t going to be anyway. Enjoy a simple, yet rich life with a Farm Boy.

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