With farming you have to look at the up side of things. Just because in three days one chicken gets a cold (that could possibly be just about anything and everything), a favorite hen becomes prolapsed, another chicken is so aggressive that you end up with a surprise morning cull, and one chicken goes broody and you know that the chicks she’ll end up hatching won’t make up for the egg production loss. Just because some unfortunate and unforeseen events take place (at once) doesn’t mean that you wish to quit farming (well, maybe you’ll consider it), or that you want to throw your entire flock out (without Uffie and Pastella, I might add). 

What it means (for me) is that I am in a bad mood for a few days. It means that my house smells like a wet chicken (think of a wet dog smell, but worse). It means a not-so-favorite-chicken is in the rabbit hutch as a method of quarantine. Oh, yes, it means that you have some extra scratches from chasing a nasty cockerel, eluding capture, around a hedge tree during a rainstorm. That is all. It might feel like I didn’t get anything done but nurse sick chickens all weekend, but what would I have been doing anyway? Digging beside a creek to widen it for newly acquired ducklings? Sweeping the basement? Picking up trash that the wind carries to the farm? These things are an easy sacrifice to ensure the care and well-being of your flock and farm. Of course, if any hen died you might find me speaking in a different light instead of the cheery (alright ... not cheery, but a rather acquiescent) manner I am currently in.

In case anyone else has these problems, here is what I have learned over the weekend and would recommend for anyone else facing similar issues:

For Curing a Nasty Cockerel:

Step 1- Grab a sharp axe (preferably something that strikes fear into the heart of roosters)

Step 2- Find some wood (some piece of wood that is disposable or reusable is best)

Step 3- Catch cockerel (I have found this often to be very challenging)

Step 4- Kill it (viewer discretion is advised, not suitable for those with a weak constitution)

Step 5- Get meat (if plucking, do this now)

Step 6- Make a lovely meal out of the measly ounces you received (our bantam fellow only had 2.2 ounces.)

For Curing a Hen who has Prolapsed:

Step 1- Grab hen, look at her bum (don’t stare too long, this is very disturbing)

Step 2- Evaluate how bad it is (i.e. compare to other healthy hens)

Step 3- Get a tub and fill with hot water (assuming there is a real problem)

Step 4- Put some cold water in it so it isn’t too hot (don’t want BBQed chicken, do we?)

Step 5- Grab hen and put her in bath (rub-a-dub-dub, don’t forget the rubber ducky)

Step 6- Get splashed with her flapping her wings hysterically (rain gear is advised)

Step 7- When both of you are soaked, dry her off and place her in a separate area (don’t bother to dry yourself, she is the sick one)

Step 8- Get honey (the last remnants of the stuff you put on your biscuits)

Step 9- Slather honey on her bum (close your eyes and pray you are doing this right)

Step 10- Put medicine in her water to prevent disease (who cares what kind, she won’t mind how it tastes, she just had honey pasted on her bottom)

Step 11- When she hopefully looks better in a day or two, put her back with everyone else (in the still of night, beware of falling poop)

Step 11a- If she doesn’t get better, follow steps for “Curing a Nasty Cockerel” (of course, follow any and all instructions relating to the medicine provided for her in Step 10)

For Curing a Hen with a Mystery Illness:

Step 1- Put her in quarantine if hen looks sick (the typical signs: bubbly eyes, wheezing, or lethargy)

Step 2- Research and get panicked about how many terrible diseases she could have (apparently lethargy has many causes)

Step 3- Give her food and water (she will like this part)

Step 4- Give her oatmeal (she will love this part)

Step 5- Treat her like a queen, make her feel comfortable (at this point she will think she is very special)

Step 6- Make sure she can’t commit suicide (if she tried to hang herself then work at ‘Step 5’ better)

Step 7- Make scrambled eggs with alfalfa in them to feed to sick hen (add whatever you think is best)

Step 8- Wonder why you are going through all this trouble for a possible sick hen (well, she should be getting better after being so pampered)

Step 9- Wish you had bought a stethoscope (and a D.V.M. would be helpful too)

Step 10- If she doesn’t get better, follow steps for “Curing a Nasty Cockerel” Steps 1 through 4 (don’t want to eat a sick chicken)

For Dealing with a Broody Hen:

Step 1- Groan inwardly because you are going to lose a good layer (at least she isn’t sick)

Step 2- Move hen to a nest box on the ground (can’t have the chicks falling out when they hatch)

Step 3- Collect the day’s eggs and place under hen (don’t put too many, or they will get cold)

Step 4- Place food and water near her (she will get thirsty thinking about all the cute little ones she’ll hatch)

Step 5- Make sure she sleeps in correct nest box (they sometimes migrate)

Step 5a- If she moves, repeat steps 1 through 5 (looks like another day’s eggs gone)

Step 6- Don’t get pecked (some broody hens are mean)

Step 7- Wait 21 days and watch the cuteness emerge (awww… this is the part I love!)

For future reference, this was my worst weekend so far. A couple sayings that seem applicable to this weekend:

“No good deed goes unpunished.”  (Note: broody hen)

“It always comes in threes.”  (Broody hen not part of 3’s)

“When it rains, it pours.”  (It really did rain, and pour too!)

“There is a silver lining to every cloud.”  (The sunrise was beautiful this morning.)

“If you are given lemons, make lemonade.”  (Chicken Fajitas for breakfast, yummy!)

This week I thought it would be interesting to post the minutes to the most recent Grand Political Pig Party Monthly Meeting. The president is Squeak and the Vice-President is Bubbles. These are our two pigs. Since they can’t hold a very good meeting with only two animals, they asked us humans and some chickens to come and attend. In case you didn’t know, pigs are very political animals, and believe in justice, equality and liberty.

 

G3P Minutes 3/1/12
Grand Political Pig Party

Meeting called to order with the pig pledge.

“On my pig honor, I will do my very piggy best to be kind to my owners. To turn over all the soil. To grow fat and eat my food. To love pineapple with all my heart, and to not eat live chickens or other meat.”

Then attendance was counted by asking the question, “Who is your favorite goat?” There were two pigs, two humans, and thirteen chickens present. A total of seventeen beings came to the meeting.

The treasurer’s report stated that there was a rise in profits due to extra labor and kind contributions, making a total of one boulder, fifteen stones, and twelve pebbles. The Secretary’s report said that there have been no pigeons with messages, but there was a note from the chickadees, a copy of it is here:

‘To the FARM ANIMALS,
We wish to give our appreciation for letting us eat the leftovers of the chicken feed, and to let you know that we find the flax to be most welcome. We realize that we might have been inconsiderate in boasting how nice food is at WKH, and we understand that the crows are probably not a welcome addition. We all hope that this is not too much of a bother, but we are sorry for our actions just the same.
Sincerely,
The CHICKADEES’

Old business began, with the very controversial topic of the Electric Fence.

“We do not think that you have the right,” began Squeak, “to have us be zapped every time we touch the fence.” 

Bubbles appeared to agree with President Squeak’s assessment of the situation, but the humans present demanded (again) that they have a say in the topic.

Farmer E. interjected, “If you did not get quite so close to the fence you would not get electrocuted. And if you didn’t chase the chickens out of your pen, except if they have business to discuss, then you would not run into the fence.”

“It’s not that we mind particularly getting zapped, it is just that we find it quite offensive that you feel that you must treat us like animals,” Bubbles stated.

“But you are animals, that’s the point! If you stated in your pledge to not cross the fence, we might consider un-electrocuting it,”  Farmer R. interjected.

Uffie coughed and cleared her throat, but the argument continued. She then pecked President Squeak on the shoulder to get his attention.

“What, Uffie, what?” Squeak grumbled.

“I make a motion,” Uffie said clearly, “to put this on the table until next month, where we can again resurrect this topic after you have all had another month to consider what each party has said.”

“Second,” Farmer E. said.

Then the meeting continued to new business.

The matter of hay started. The G3P felt that their house should be filled with hay top to bottom, so that it would be possible to burrow through it like the bunny rabbits do. The humans' reasoning on the subject was that that was all fine and dandy for the rabbits, but burrowing through hay didn’t seem to be something suited to pigs. It was agreed by a two-thirds majority that the pigs would continue to get hay, but it would not be enough to burrow in like a rabbit.

Second item of business was the matter of paint. The pigs had a sense that they had been slighted when it came to building their house. I quote, “The goats have a painted house, the chickens have a painted coop, the dogs live with the humans who have a painted home, so why don’t we get our house painted?” The humans acknowledged the injustice that had been done and agreed they would put it as a priority to get accomplished. They also reminded the pigs that it would be impossible to paint their home when it is cold or rainy out. The G3P agreed to these terms and conditions.

Third item of business was about the community service project. The humans, who thought it would be nice to have a farm garden, originally envisioned this project. Then the pigs were employed in tilling of the ground, to create a garden bed, and were to be paid in food and board. Bubbles gave an update on their progress, and everyone seemed quite pleased with their efforts. At this point, the humans explained that they had seeds started indoors to be planted once the pigs finished their work. Uffie signed the contract for bug control of the garden on behalf of herself and the other chickens.

Fourth topic of discussion was the necessary reply to the Chickadees. It was motioned and seconded that the writing of the letter would be best done by the Porcelain d’ Uccle, Pastella. Meanwhile, Uffie went and fetched Lazuli, a guinea keet, to see if she could deliver the message. The G3P showed Lazuli the tree, and it was proven that it was possible to fly that high to send the message. A basic outline was given to Pastella of what the letter must contain, and with it instructions for her to bring it to the G3P for them to approve it once it was written.

The last item of importance was a very personal issue to the pigs. There was a shortage of pineapple in their food as of late, and they dutifully let the humans know how keenly they felt this terrible injustice. Farmer R said that she would look into the issue and do her best to remedy the problem. 
The meeting then concluded with the pineapple poem, which is as follows:

‘Pigs love food,
Pineapple.
You can turn it to tea if brewed,
Pineapple.
At political dinners they serve,
Pineapple.
They will sell it as jelly or preserve,
Pineapple.
Nothing is tastier than,
Pineapple.
Good even when fried in a pan,
Pineapple.’